love is a dream;life is reality

5 more.

I was taught not to be scared of a lot of things and eyes was one of them. Standing on a plank of hardwood looking into the distance I was taught not to be scared of eyes. Standing there smile on my face; mind on the grace, the passion, the power, the rhythm; I was taught not to be scared of the eyes. I remember the pride and the joy I saw in the dearest of eyes, the proud parents type of eyes and I would dance away to make them smile in the vicinity of our home, a place where laughter and smiles were real because that was the only way I could see their pride. I would dance and spin, better and better each time and they would watch and watch happier and happier each time. Eyes always on me and for 5 minutes out of their busy day, those 5 minutes that was my time. No tv show, no ring of the phone, no pain could take that away from me. Those 5 minutes were my time, and I learned to use it wisely. As we got older a lot changed. And I danced, but I danced to mask the pain to shut out the world. Those 5 minutes were my time, but it became my time to smile, by time to be happy, my time to prove that I am worth it, my time to prove that I am not a prisoner to pain, my time to make me proud. But I will not let that erase the memories, I am making more, my own. When i’m strong and healthy, you will see it, the pride and joy in my eyes; and I hope that’s enough for you to be proud of me once again. I want 5 more minutes, just 5 more to see the joy once again as I stand there with a smile on my face, mind of the grace, the passion, the power, and the rhythm. Watch me once more, and when the 5 minutes are over I will smile at you, I just hope your pride will smile back.

Ashirwaad

I complain you don’t get me, but you see right through me. You say I don’t get you, but I feel the things you feel. You complete me. You’re my courage, my reason to strive, my reason to improve, and my guide. I’m your reason to be strong, your reason to forgive, your reason to move on, and your reason to be calm. We always look at what we don’t have and never appreciate what it is that we do have. You’re mine and i’m lucky to be able to say that and when everything lays out and finds its place I hope I can still call you mine. I’m yours and I know that makes you lucky because I can’t say those words to anyone else. I hope you accept that. I regret all the things I’ve done and the way I’ve handled situations with you but I don’t regret you walking into my life. You’ve opened my eyes to so much and I know how hard this is for both of us, I just want you know it’s all gonna be okay. You’re my support, my best friend, my other half, the love of my life. And even if I have to let you go, my heart will never let you know. I love you for you and everything you are, and I wont change anything about you because the person you were yesterday is the person that stole my heart, that’s the person I love. And if I wake up everyday trying to show you how much I love you, I still wont be able to prove to you how much I really do; I just hope I get the chance to spend my life loving you, caring for you, and supporting you.

Me and Angel

You spent your days watching your angel grow up, loving your angel, teaching it math, and how to write, and day by day it got older, wiser, smarter. I sat there and watched days pass, counting days, hoping one day you’d treat me the same. As, you catered to your angel, I learned to do those things on second priority, with those in the background. My desire for you to want me just as much as you wanted the angel was so immense, it made me cry, still makes me cry. You criticized me for not being like angel. People looked at me and asked me why I wasn’t following angel’s steps. Years passed, and the angel become that much more powerful, that much more loved, but me, I became that much less noticed and I blended into the background. The intelligence you gave to angel served it well and the intelligence you forgot to give me served me well. Angel never appreciated the things you did, and I never forgot the things you did. Angel took your actions for granted, and I never experienced your actions the way Angel did. Either way everything was a waste, you learned that the hard way, and so did I, because nothing angel or I did was good enough for you. Anything angel did, was bad to you, and before I could do anything, you thought I was going to be just like angel. But somewhere along the years of you raising angel and I, I learned from my mistakes, I learned to make good decisions, I learned to accept fate, I learned to me be. And to this day, I wake up everyday throw a smile on my face and seize my day because the days we hurt you, we will never get back, we will never get to change, but the days that hurt me, the days that slipped by me, I will use to prosper and change. I hope you look back and smile; at angel and me.

Pride

The pride I saw in your eyes, laying in my crib when you brought me home, I never imagined would fade away. The emotions that stay hidden behind those mystic eyes I never realized could be so real. My gaze travels through your cornea into the neurons of your memories. I try to understand why you do what you do, but my imagination just does not extend that far. I try to justify your actions by my wrong doings, but my behavior just does not support my claim. I wonder if I am the reason, the reason for everything, because that is all I have been told; I wonder if I am the rhyme, the rhyme for everything, because that is what I have never known. I wonder if I changed me, if I changed everything if a happy day would be in my encounter, but I know nothing I could ever do, would restore the pride I lost in you. I wish I knew what came ahead I wish I didn’t have regrets, instead, but I know I have lived a life worth living. A life I wouldn’t trade for anything. The mysteries you leave unsolved; or the mysteries that do not exist at all. What the truth is strikes your face in bold, what the truth will be no one will know. Away would fade imagination, never; home you brought me from my crib, laying, in your eyes I saw the PRIDE.

Astronomy

When you look up in the sky you see the universe shining down upon you, the galaxy, the planets, the stars, the darkness; it all engulfs you. All these big things are there standing right above you. Do you feel little, do you feel alone? Alone? How could I feel alone? The galaxy is my play ground, the planets are my guides, the stars are my friends, and the darkness is not my demise. 

It’s never easy.

Nothing ever comes easy and we all learn that at some point in our life. Whether we try to reach our most desired goal or we fight to protect ourselves and those around us or simply just love someone unconditionally. There will always be obstacles to overcome and memories to hold on to. Whether youre alone or in a group theres always guidance to turn to theres always love to fall towards. I wish I could change me I wish I could become the purest of angels and I wish that somehow would give me the strength to influence the world. The experiences and the difficulties we are dealt are the basis of who we are and we just accept that. Some people will always have things easier than others. For some of us its harder to achieve our goals and to accept love. But one thing that wont change is life will bring you pain and tears the only way it will be ok is if you wake up the next morning and conquer the obstacles. Forever ill stand by your side and mine just to make sure everything is ok. I am a soldier of god and I cannot be defeated.

your mistake, another piece of my surprise :)

Was I like the dream wedding you spent months planning or was I the silly runaway Vegas type of hitch. Did you hold me with joy or was it all sorrow, did you cry tears of happiness or was it hatred. Was I supposed to be the perfect little daughter or did you realize I was going to be the devils companion. You told me you loved me but did you really care. All those times you yelled at me were you expressing your love or were you worried about what others would think. You tried saving your reputation but you forgot to save me. You forgot to protect me from the penetrating needles of heart break. One by one the needles broke my skin but you forgot to warn me of the pain. When I sat there longing for your company where were you? I reached out but after a while I felt like I was reaching for false love. I stored my pain in the vault replacing my heart. My heart broke so many times cuz I was looking for true love, because how can you find something you have never seen. So many people told me I was nothing, you told me I couldn’t do it, and this you called love. Sitting in drs. Offices feeling the tubes of blood being sucked out of me I wondered why I was there alone, but not only was it me who wondered, I got multiple question, always coming up with some kind of excuse to make me feel unforgotten. But it didn’t matter I kept that pain locked away tight. All I know is that I never felt the love every child deserves and you can blame yourself for failing as a teacher, but all I can say is blame yourself cuz I take my tests my own way. I may have been your joy on that one day, but then why do I feel as if im the mark covered by white out. Just one little mistake.

The Legacy of Death

I feel like the world is crumbling beneath my feet. I try to grab a hold of the world but its presence is so thin. The only thing i can grab is me. I hold my heart and bow my head the intensity of my shamefulness is too much to bear. I try to run but i can’t move. I try to shout but i cannot be heard. I close my eyes and i fall everlastingly to the end of endlessness. Just as i think my fate has reached me, a spark of perseverance burns through my blood. I feel the support of a million hands holding me up. I look behind me, i see nothing but two sheer white wings and in that instant i know where i am, i know who i am supposed to be. God is my father and love is my memory. I begin to fly and i believe, me, i can do anything. Don’t sit there and tell me i am just a waste of time. Don’t fight me and tell me theres nothing i will leave behind. I am me, i will leave my legacy. When you look inside yourself and all you see is black emptiness you will find your heart and live your dreams. You will end your life in ecstasy. I live in my legacy.